Initiating intimacy shows a partner you care and want to connect with them. But it can be challenging to perfect, especially if you both express affection differently. 

Taking the initiative to ask about sex lets your partner in on your desires and shows vulnerability, which can strengthen trust and emotional connection. It might also remind them that you desire and value them — and when low libido hits, that reminder can make a big difference in your relationship. 

If you aren’t sure how to initiate sex, it's common to have some nerves. Making the first move can be intimidating, especially if you're worried about rejection or coming off as too forward. Overcoming this hesitancy creates space for you and a partner to express your needs and communicate openly. And guess what? Being vulnerable is surprisingly sexy. 

Why is initiating sex important? 

Learning how to initiate sex as a woman, man, or nonbinary person is about more than just momentary pleasure. Making a move nurtures your bond with your partner and brings you physically together, keeping the spark alive — which is especially important if you've hit a rough patch or have issues with sexual repression. 

The benefits of initiating sex don't stop there. Regular sex and orgasms have many upsides, including stress relief. According to a study on psychological and relational health during the COVID-19 pandemic, participants who were sexually active during lockdown reported feeling less depressed and anxious. When you initiate sex, you're working toward a healthier mindset and a healthier relationship. It's a win-win. 

Last but not least, sex also enhances self-esteem. Desiring a partner enough to make the first move is affirming and sends an "I want you" message loud and clear. This can boost their (and your) confidence considerably, particularly if there's been a lull in your sex life. Initiating sex builds you both up and keeps things interesting. 

What if they say no?

Let’s cut to the chase. Sometimes, you aren’t having sex regularly, or at all, because the other person doesn’t want to. When you initiate sex, they could say no — and that’s normal. Above all, you have to respect their feelings. Nobody owes you sex. Don’t push it when they say they aren’t in the mood.

If this is a trend in your relationship, don’t panic. Libido can ebb and flow, and it’s normal not to do it like bunnies all the time. Instead of repeatedly asking to have sex, open the floor for a deeper conversation about how you both feel about your sex lives. You might find that there are reparable reasons behind their low libido, like body insecurity or even a new medication. From there, work together to find a sexual routine that works for both of you.

Initiating sex tips: 10 ways to initiate sex  

If you're wondering how to be more sexually intimate with your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, the options are pretty much endless. It’s about finding a way to initiate sex that makes you both feel confident and eager to jump right in (and rip each other’s clothes off).

Here are 10 simple ways to initiate sex: 

1. Express your desires 

Instead of just saying “Do you want to have sex?” go into more detail about what you want and like. Share your turn-ons, from kissing and cuddling to eye contact, to create a sense of openness and encourage a partner to do the same. You can try complimenting them, flirting with them, or using some dirty talk to let them know what you want.  

2. Confirm consent  

Consent is the most essential part of sex. Always check in with your partner about how they’re feeling, even if they don’t give an outright, “No.” Never assume they're as horny as you without getting verbal acknowledgment of their arousal. Ask simple, direct questions like, "Is this okay?" or, "Do you want to continue?" to enhance trust and respect their autonomy. 

3. Share positive affirmations  

Compliments can go a long way toward helping a partner feel open to sexual activity. Praise your partner's appearance or the things about them that turn you on. Flirt, kiss, and use positive affirmations to reinforce your attraction and let them know how much they arouse you. It could lead to a steamy convo — and more. 

4. Introduce sex toys  

Adding sex toys to intimacy can add an irresistible element of newness and exploration. Suggest shopping for and using naughty toys like vibrators and couples' sex toys together to show you're open to experimentation. Encourage your partner to be honest about the toys and sex acts (like masturbating together) they want to try with you. It gives you something specific to look forward to.

5. Provide emotional support  

For many people, sex begins with feeling loved and cared about outside of the bedroom, so go out of your way to show compassion. Support your partner outside the bedroom. Make an effort to build deeper, stronger emotional intimacy, and remind them that you care about them for more than sex — which can translate into a more fulfilling and sensual sexual relationship. 

6. Get creative  

Try something new. A break from routine, whether it's a sexy game, different types of porn, or erotic massage, is surprisingly powerful. Getting creative is exciting and shows your partner you're invested in keeping sexual intimacy fresh. You never know what you might love until you step outside your comfort zone. 

7. Pencil it in

Scheduling sex is actually a good idea. While it may seem boring or like it lacks spontaneity, the fact of the matter is that life is busy, and sometimes you need to put sex on the calendar. Penciling it in and agreeing to keep the date builds anticipation, demonstrates commitment, and ensures you both make time for intimacy. 

8. Use playful communication  

Flirty notes, phone sex, or even a special “signal” like wearing a specific piece of jewelry are fun ways to let your partner know you're horny. Playful communication builds sexual tension and makes the eventual intercourse more exciting. If you're hesitant to initiate sex, this can help break the ice. 

9. Dress to impress 

Wearing something you feel sexy in or that your partner loves can send the message that you're ready to get it on. Try some new lingerie, their favorite dress, or an outfit you've always felt your best in. It's another non-verbal way to show you care.

10. Avoid unrealistic expectations 

Sometimes, the timing just isn't right, and that's okay. Keep your expectations realistic to avoid putting unnecessary pressure on yourself or a partner. This is especially important for learning how to initiate sex in a sexless marriage — the first step is often just reconnecting through conversation. 

Be receptive to your partner's mood and respect their feelings, even if their answer is "not tonight." A little understanding and compassion go a long way, and remember never to take it personally. 

Turn up the heat with Quinn  

Initiating sex with a partner is an integral part of maintaining any kind of relationship. Once you've gotten the hang of it, listen to Quinn to continue exploring your desires and keeping things spicy. 

Quinn's audio erotica platform, created by women for everyone, offers carefully curated stories to inspire new ideas and spark conversations in your relationship. It's an empowering, educational, and ethical resource for discovering new ways to connect emotionally and physically with your partner. 

To access thousands of narrated sex stories, playlists, and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.